satanism

i am a laveyan satanist. i view satan as a metaphor for the things i struggle to love about myself. satan helps me practice radical acceptance. i perform theatrical black magic rituals to make myself happy and spiritually fulfilled. i love satan and satan loves me!

my relationship with religion is... difficult, to say the least. i was raised christian (i believe some kind of nondenominational or protestant) but we never really practiced. most of my memories of christianity are my abuser using jesus's name to torture and get away with it. i never really believed in god, but i did try to pray the gay away in third grade. of course that didn't work.
i started having delusions of grandeur when i was 13. i believed i was a god and that i sent myself to earth as an experiment to see what misery felt like. i wrote pages and pages of nonsensical beliefs, mainly based around souls linked across a multiverse, fictional stories being real, and me as part of a group of five gods who ruled the multiverse. i was trapped in this delusion for around four years. i suddenly came to my senses and fell out of psychosis when i was 17, and my entire belief system had been shattered.

i was nervous that satanism would send me into another delusional spiral. luckily, i entered slowly and i've been careful. i do some regular witchy stuff, but it's all metaphorical. i believe my magic has more of an effect on myself than it does on anything else. some of the ways i practice magic in my day-to-day life include lighting yummy candles around my house, cleansing the energies of tense rooms with the sounds of bells, doing things for myself just because, talking to my baphomet statue, and working to love the difficult parts of myself. i like to leave little offerings, such as cash, candy, pretty rocks, and books; at my altar to use when i need them most.
i also love listening to happy satanic music! some of my favorites include ghost (of course) and twin temple. i love the song "be gay, do drugs, hail satan" by super cassette! i listen to satanic music whenever i'm feeling hopeless or sad. it makes it easier to love myself when i remember i have satan within myself.

my altar

my altar is where i do most of my magic! it isn't facing the right direction, but i make do. heres a nonexhaustive list of things i keep on it:

  • a ritual bell
  • my omori music box
  • various little knives
  • seashells and rocks
  • crystals such as malachite, rose quartz, amethyst, rainbow obsidion, etc
  • a special bath herb mix
  • candy, coins, cash, spices, small bones
  • some books i didn't have space for, but satan doesn't mind
  • a coyote skull! important to my identity
  • a compass
  • a ring i wear to keep me bound to the earth
  • and the centerpiece: a small statue of baphomet!

(i used to have the eleven satanic rules of the earth and the nine satanic statements taped to the wall, but my family started asking a lot of questions, so i took them down)